Highly-Skilled Gynaecologist

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, Saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career!

First Time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

Bubble in Bathtub

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.

She said, Lets start with the boys first.

Boys start giving their intro...

First boy: My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.

Teacher was confused to listen but said, Interesting. Well, Ok. Infact, we must be honest in telling the hobby.

And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So its ok John. Yes next. Second boy: Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.

Teacher now got surprised and said, Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next.

Third boy: Im Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.

Teacher: Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next.

This continues... and the last boy stands up I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.

Exhausted, the teacher said, I dont think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please.

First girl: Im Julie and my hobby is to see birds.

Teacher: Good. At last I got something different. Ok next.

Second girl: Im Ruby and I like to collect perfumes.

Teacher Now its like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl; Yes you...

Most beautiful girl of the class: Mam, my name is BUBBLE, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day.

Itching Crotch

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the nurse's office.

He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought you were told to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Matzoh Balls

George W. says to an aide, "I need to do better in south Florida this year. I gotta see what all this Jewish stuff is about."

So off they go to a kosher restaurant. The first course is set in front of them - matzoh ball soup.

George W. is grossed out and reluctant to taste this strange-looking brew.

Gently, the aide says,"Just have a taste, Mr. President. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."

George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl, picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some broth. He hesitates, then swallows, and a grin slowly appears on his face. George W. digs in and quickly finishes off the entire bowl and all of the matzoh balls.

"That was delicious," George W.says to his aide. "Do they eat any other parts of the matzoh, or just the balls?"

Battle Weary

George Washington and his men had just finished a big battle and were tired and wounded. They were walking for miles looking for a place to stay when they came upon this very small broken-down shack.

Washington asked the man who answered the door if he had room to help some of his men as they were tired and sick. The man said, "As you can see I only have room for one man."

So Washington picked out his most wounded man, Private Cox, to stay there. Then he left with the rest of his men looking for another place.

After walking for several miles more, they finally saw this big beautiful mansion on a hill and proceeded to the mansion. Washington rang the bell and a beautiful woman came to the door, and asked him what he wanted. Washington explained that he had just fought a terrible battle and that some of his men were wounded and that they were all tired and needed some shelter and a place to rest.

The Madam explained that the place was actually a bordello, but that they would be happy to take in him and his men. In fact, she was excited about it. She asked, "How many men do you have?"

Washington answered, "About 99 men without Cox."
The madam replied, "You've got to be kidding me!"

Sex Frequency

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said.

"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed.

"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

New Cadillac

The Pakistani President, Gen Pervez Musharraf, is visiting his friend, U.S. President George Bush, in Washington, DC.

The U.S. President offers a gift to his guest. "Here you go, Mush" says Bush. "Try out this shiny new Cadillac. It's their finest model."

"Thank you, Mr. President, but I cannot accept this magnificent gift," replies the Musharraf.

"Oh. I understand about gift limits. I understand the problems you are having in Pakistan with your non-profit associations. Ok then ... give me a half dollar for it. Then it won't be a gift," replies Bush. Musharraf gives Bush a dollar.

"I don't have any change ... too bad," says the President.

"No big deal... you'll just give me two Cadillacs" retorts Musharraf.

Three guys are arrested in an adult bookstore and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:

"What is your name?" he asked.

"Joe," the guy answered.

"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.

"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke,” he answered.

The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Joe," the guy answered.

"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.

"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke.,” he answered.

Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is beginning to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought.

So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.

"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; Joe." he said.

"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."

There was a short fellow named Jack on trial for raping a woman, aided by a bucket. He adamantly protested his innocence, claiming inability.

Well, the judge said, "If you can prove you were physically incapable of raping this woman, we will certainly acquit you."

So the little guy stands on top of the bucket, and sure enough, he doesn't even come up to the woman's crotch. Keeping his word, the judge acquits him.

About a month later, the judge passes Jack on the sidewalk and says to him, "So... now that you've been freed of all charges, tell me, did you rape that woman?"

"Sure did!" Jack replies. "But how? You didn't even come up to her crotch."

"Oh, you must have misunderstood. I just threw the bucket on top of her head and swung from the handle!"

A First Class Magistrate (FCM) is going thru' a forest one evening when his car breaks down. He looks around and finds a lone house. He knocks the door which is opened by a stunning woman.

FCM: Can I spend the night at your place?

Woman: Well. I live alone.

FCM: I'm an honourable man, a FCM.

Woman: I got only one bed.

FCM: No problem. I'm an honourable man, a FCM.

Woman: I go to bed naked.

FCM: No problem. I'm an honourable man, a FCM.

Woman: Be my guest, FCM.

Next morning while leaving, FCM finds the woman busy with her poultry.

FCM: Good birds you got there.

Woman: Yeah.

FCM: How many cocks and how many hens?

Woman: Two hundred hens, one cock.

FCM: But I can see over a dozen cocks around.

Woman: Only one cock over there. The others are first class magistrates.

While walking through a courthouse, a kid enters an empty courtroom.

He sees a fine leather briefcase (the kind the lawyers carry) sitting on the table, picks it up and exits through the back door of the courtroom into the judge's chambers.

And who should be sitting there; the judge.

Judge: Hey kid, are you familiar with the liquor store across the street from the courthouse?

Kid: (nods).

Judge: Good, I want you to go across the street and steal me a bottle of booze.

The kid runs across the street, enters the liquor store, and when the proprietor is not looking, slips a fifth into the briefcase and brings it back to the judge.

The judge immediately opens the bottle and swigs half of it.

Judge: Hey kid, I need you to run another errand. There's a contractor, Slapdash Construction, next to the liquor store. Go to them and tell them that the judge sent you. They'll give you a brown paper bag. Bring it back to me.

The kid runs to Slapdash Construction, tells them that the judge sent him, receives a brown paper bag filled with fifties and hundreds, puts it into the briefcase and takes it to the judge.

Judge: Kid, you did great. Now unzip my fly.

The kid unzips the judge's fly.

Judge: Now suck my dick!

Kid: Hey wait a minute mister. I'm not a real attorney; I just found this briefcase in the courtroom!

There was a lady who was in bed with her lover one day, when she hears a noise and realizes that her husband is home early from work. She has no idea what to do with her lover so she sticks him in the closet and successfully covers up every part of his body except his balls. Thinking quick, she paints his balls red with some spray paint.

Her husband comes up to the bedroom and opens the closet doors toget out some clothes and notices the red balls hanging there. "What are these?" he asks.

"Oh, those are just some Christmas Bells I picked up on sale this afternoon," she answers.

He toys with them for a second and realizes that they are not making noise, so he pulls them apart and clangs them together, but all he hears is "uuuggghhh".

He says, "Honey, these things aren't working right, let me try again."

So he pulls them farther apart and bangs them together. Still the only noise made is "UUUGGGHHH".

He is beginning to get a little annoyed and he says, "I am gonna try once more and if these things do not chime, I am gonna throw them in the fireplace and burn them."

So he stretches them as far apart as he can and slams them together.

At that moment, the guy sticks his head out of the closet and screams, "DING DONG, DING DONG, DING DONG!!!!

There was this couple who were running late preparing for the big party, and it just so happened that the husband had on a pair of trousers that had a buttoned fly, one button of which had come off and needed sewing.

The wife simply did not have the time to tend to it so she suggested he run across the street to have her lady friend take care of the matter.

And so he did. A little bit later he came back with the button sewn on all right, but he was terribly beaten up.

"Good grief! What in the world happened to you! You just went over there for the button to be sewed on, and now look at you!"

"Well, when I told her what I wanted done she said to take a seat and that it would just take her a second. So, I sat down and she began sewing on the button. Everything was just going along just fine until she bent over to bite off the thread and her husband came in the door."

In a small country church, the preacher was at the pulpit addressing the congregation, saying, "We gotta little problem in da church, we's got crows in the steeple. Every time I tries to do's my sermon, the noise distracts me and drowns me out. We's need a member of da congregation to climb up to the top, and SHOO! da crows out of the steeple".

Leroy a long time member of the church told the preacher that he would volunteer.

Leroy climbed to the top of steeple and started to holler, "SHOO Mother F---er, SHOO Mother F---er, SHOO Mother F---er, and all the crow flew from the steeple.

After climbing down, the Preacher, again addressing the congregation said, "Leroy, the congregation and I would like to thank you for SHOOIN the crow from the steeple, but we's don't appreciate the unchristian-like way you went about doing it".

He said, "Now Leroy, you could have climbed up the steeple and gone, SHOO!, SHOO!, SHOO! and those Mother F-----in crows would have left!

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.

"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi. "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one has seen you around."

"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail ?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."

"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!", Luigi countered.

"Yeah, but dis beach was screamin' and akickin' and ayellin'!"

One day an Indian chief walked into a pharmacy and asked to speak to the pharmacist. The pharmacist walks out and asks the chief, "How may I help you?"

The Chief replies, "Me got too many kids, need condoms."

The pharmacist assists the chief with selecting an over-the-counter brand of condom and sends him on his way. The next morning, the chief walks back into the pharmacy with a shredded, badly mangled condom. Shocked, the pharmacist asks what had happened.

Throwing the condom onto the counter, the chief replies angrily, "Last night, left nut go "Ungh," right nut go "Ungh," condom go BOOM!"

Surprised of the results, the pharmacist gives the chief special prescription condoms that are originally intended for use by adult film stars and NBA players. Hoping this does the trick, the pharmacist sends the chief on his way.

The next morning, the chief comes barging through the door with a shredded condom in his hand. Extremely surprised, the pharmacist asks the chief what happened.

The chief replies angrily, "Left nut go "Ungh," right nut go "Ungh," condom go BOOM!"

At his wits end, the pharmacist tells the chief to wait while he goes to the sporting goods store. At the store, the pharmacist buys a bike tire and a patch kit. He then takes a length of the tube, cuts it to a length, seals off one end with the patch kit, and hands it to the chief, knowing that this was his last hope.

The next morning, the Indian chief walks through the door walking bow-legged, very slowly, and with obvious pain. Surprised, the pharmacist runs out and asks the chief what the hell happened.

The chief looks him in the eye sadly, and with a very hoarse voice replies, "Left nut go "Ungh," right nut go "Ungh," condom go "Ungh," left nut go BOOM!"

An American lady on vacation in Scotland is visiting a Scottish castle.

There are these Scottish guards everywhere all decked out in their Scottish uniforms outfitted with the traditional Scottish kilt.

Her curiosity was killing her and she was just not going to make the trip all the way from the USA without asking the proverbial question.

A bit nervous she goes up to one and blurts out, "Excuse me Sir, but is their any truth to the story that you don't wear any underpants under your kilt?"

He answers, "Well, Ma'am, why don't you put your hand up underneath and see for yourself?"

So she does, and screams out, "Oh good heavens, its gruesome!"

The guard replies, "Why don't you try again, Ma'am?"

And she obliges. "Oh, God damn, its gruesome more!"

The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.

The Aussie said, "In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."

The Yank said, "That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift."

The Canadian said, "That's nothing, we have women with pussies this big." (He then stretched his hands so wide it'd do the biggest fish justice.)

"I can't believe you mate" the Aussie remarked.

"How do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.

"They stretch man, they stretch."

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".

She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

Santa decides to go his high school's 25-year reunion. Having not seen anyone in fifteen years he's very curious as to who might show up.

When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweet-heart. They sit down and talk about the past.

"How have you been?" he asks.

"I've been fine, just fine," she replies, "Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though."

"Bad news first, dear."

"Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy."

"Oh my, that's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that."

"But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!"

Joe took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment.

"This is one hot potato of a lady, Doctor," he said. "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, and I get very jealous."

"We'll see," the doctor said. He directed her into his examining room, closed the door behind him and told her to undress. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.

The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to moan and squirm. It was too much for him to resist, and he climbed up on top of her and began to screw her.

Joe heard moans and groans coming from the room. Unable to control himself, he pushed open the door, only to be confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife banging away.

"Doctor, what are you doing?" he asked.

The flustered doctor said, "Oh, it's you, Joe? I'm only taking your wife's temperature!"

Joe opened his switchblade knife and began to wipe it on his sleeve very deliberately. "Ok Doc," he said, "but when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!"

There was a young man in the Army who was so well- endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Army doctors and one Armey nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end."
They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it."
They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it."
They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems. The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.
The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.

"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.

"I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.

"So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

Doctor Manish had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him.

"Manish, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering

Manish.....
Manish.....
Manish you sick bastard, you're a vet."

The pretty young nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it.

The nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!

"Miss Stacy! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!" the supervisor yelled.

"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!"

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.

The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.

"Why all the attention?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man, "What are you doing here today?"

Woman, "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me 500 bucks for it."

Man, "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperms, and they are going to pay me 2500."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man, "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [Shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don`t know what to do here," the devil says. "You`re on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I`ll tell you what I`m going to do: I`ve got a couple of people here who weren`t quite as bad as you. I`ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I`ll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first room.
In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," bin Laden said, "I don`t think so. I`m not a good swimmer and I don`t think I could do that all day long."
So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I`ve got this problem with my shoulder. I`d be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day," Laden commented.
So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you`re free to go."

There was a father and son who were always in competition with each other. One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in medicine. A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.

"How was the exam?" asked his father.

"They asked quite a lot of 'Fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted," the boy replied.

"Well in that case I better take that exam myself," the father said. So off to the university he went. A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.

"How was the exam?" asked his son.

"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and I got them all wrong but one."

"Gee, Dad. Which question was that?"

"The question was...", started the father, "What do you do when you come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her PU_S_ ?"

"That's easy", the son replied. "The answer is pulse."

"Oh, hell," said the father," I got that one wrong as well."

The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing and sheing to stand up!"

Half of his congregation stood up.

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing and heing to stand up!"

A couple of men stood up.

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been sheing and sheing to stand up!"

Several women stood up.

The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnny.

The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin? Little Johnny, stand up… I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you have to say!"

Little Johnny replied, "Reverend, you ain't said nothing about meing and meing!"

Little Johnny has just been to a Father & Son Night to learn all about the birds and the bees, but there are a few points that he's not quite clear on.

He asks his dad what a vagina looks like during lovemaking.

"Well son, at the start of lovemaking, it looks like a perfect compact rose bud under a brilliant moon lit sky... mysterious, shadowy and inviting."

"During the act of lovemaking, that rose bud opens as it would on a spring morning. The dew glistens and sparkles on the petals as it slowly opens in response to the excitation of the sun."

"And after lovemaking Dad.. what's it look like after lovemaking?"

"OK... imagine a bull dog that's just had a bowl of custard."

On a hot day, a blonde stopped at the tavern for a cold beer, leaving his hound dog tied to a parking meter in front of the joint.

One beer led to another, and soon a cop came in and said, "Is that your dog outside?"

"Sure is", said the blonde.

"Well, I want you to know she's in heat", said the cop.

"No she ain't. I tied her in the shade".

"No, no! I mean she needs to be bred."

"That's stupid. How can a dog be a loaf of bread?"

The exasperated cop said, "I mean she needs to be fucked!"

"Oh. Well go ahead and fuck her. I always wanted a police dog.

Eva, a blonde city girl, marries a rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Eva, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Eva takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one..... right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Eva explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.

Three blondes passed every day through a street that led them from their room to their office. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day, they heard, "Red, blue, black."

One of the blondes noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to her friends, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black."

Hearing that, girls were astonished!! One of the blondes spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird."

Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should wear any underwear. So, next day they wore no underwear and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.

They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.

Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"

A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find that it is overloaded and only the wife and nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that sound is driving me nuts!"

The blind man replies, "If you would've put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra.

The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."

Again she said no and again he persuaded her.

This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.

"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"

On the day of the wedding, Laura was getting dressed surrounded by all Her family when she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Panic! Then Her sister remembered she had a pair of white shoes from Her wedding, so she lent them to Laura for the day.

Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Laura's feet were agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting Her shoes off.

The rest of the family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen, "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one."

This was followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, "My God, that was even tighter"

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

Three ladies all have separate husbands named Leroy.

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.

Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.

The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor! "

The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy, the hard Licker!"

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words.

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

"Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' So, here we are!"